Yesterday, I had one of the most powerful and disturbing dreams I have had in a very long time. It was dream wrapped in guilt and regret. It was a dream steeped in a deep darkness I had hidden away; even from myself. In my more recent practice, I have taken strides to perform ritual at least once per week; normally on Sundays. It is during this time that I will honor the elements and local spirits, my gods, and my ancestors.
But it seems this new work opened gates to these hidden secrets and it was in this dream that not only was I confronted with my past but in such an immersive way that I was rocked to my core upon awaking and immediately sought spiritual council. In my previous post I spoke of creating and paying off debts. But, in that context, it was about a chosen debt; a debt taken on for an objective. But there are also unasked for debts. There are debts that are taken on from past actions and can often be left unpaid because to confront admits not only our own sins in the shadows but to take full responsibility for them to lay them to rest.
In the path of brightening, of cleaning a slate and opening myself to all of the gods and spirits who surround and require my service, paying off this unspoken debt has now been brought to the forefront.
“You can go no further.”
I will now be planning a ritual to address the pain I caused another while also holding me accountable for the part I played in this pain. It will hurt. It will be uncomfortable. But this isn’t about me and perhaps this is also one of another lesson I will learn. Worship, service, the gods and spirits are not only “about me.”
The problem with incurring debts from deities and spirits is this; they will expect you to deliver and it will be on your mind every day until you fulfill your end of whatever bargain you struck. Or, as is the case with this current blog, it will be on your mind every day because there is no end in sight.
I previously wrote on spirituality, paganism, and religion before but pulled the plug because I felt I had reached the end of that period in my life. Here recently, however, I have asked for something big, probably the biggest request I have ever made, and the debts incurred have been large and I have a feeling the tasks set before me aren’t only about keeping a promise but tracking my evolution as I continue this path.
My current practices have taken a dramatic shift. I am working more with planetary magic, divination, ceremonial ritual, and ancestor worship. My religion remains Dionysian at the core, but other entities have made themselves known to me as well. Primarily Lucifer and it’s Lucifer who instructed me to begin writing again- a fitting debt considering I had no interest in writing again at all.
But isn’t that how it seems to be? When I began my relationship with Dionysos I worked in theatre for years despite not enjoying it and doing everything in my power to move into another field. Lucifer came into my life due to performing research on him for someone else. If that doesn’t smack of something that seems like irony but isn’t I don’t know what does.
In the end, I have no idea what this blog is going to be about. I have no idea what direction it is going to go in. All I know is this is the first post. A first of many I imagine and that kind of worries me.